serial_kills' Journal

I saw Cream in concert! I saw God on stage! Not many people have done this in their life time. Very few have, in fact. It was also the last time Cream is to be performing ever! So...Who wants to touch me?

(Talking about shellie and me)
JOSH: I wnat the both of you at the same time. Mmmh yea!

ME: Eww! You didn't spell want right!

ME: What are you and bradley doing tonight?

SHELLIE: I'm doing chris.

ME: With bradley?

The Wonderful game of Taboo.
BRETT: Dumbo is a...

SHELLIE: Dog.

BRETT: Are you retarded?

BRADLEY: You blank Josh.

ME: Fuck!

BRADLEY: No. Nicer!

ME: Have sex?

SHELLIE: Is that all you think of your relationship?

BRADLEY: I have to stop the timer until I stop laughing. (after 2 minutes) Ok. Let’s go.

ME: Ok. Kiss.

BRADLEY: No. Alright. You are madly in blank with Josh

ME: Oh! Love!

ME: You have a stroke and go into a...

SHELLIE: Seizure!

ME: Umm, ok. But after that you go into a...

SHELLIE: Hospital!

ME: Ok...You’re at the hospital because you are in a...

BRETT: Uh, Steph, that’s a COMMA not a COMA.

BRADLEY: Boyfriends and girlfriends do this.

SHELLIE: Fuck!

BRADLEY: No! Nicer!

SHELLIE: Have sex?

BRADLEY: Do I have to do this again?

SHELLIE: Kiss?

BRADLEY: Yes!

First Draft's (My group) last show is tonight and we're going out with a big bang. Come on down and watch our fall out of your chair funny show. Afterwards come on down and party with us at Mcmanus!

I haven't updated in a long time. More to come.
(My parents and I in a long ass car ride stuck in traffic)
ME: I'm bored. Let's play a game.

MOM: What game do you wanna play?

ME: I don't know. You pick.

MOM: How about the Movie Game?

DAD: How about Monopoly?

ME: Ooh! I'm the dog.

MOM: I'm the car!

DAD: I'm the thimble! (Remember. There is no actual Monopoly game) Roll to see who goes first. I got a 9.

MOM: I'll roll now. I got a 12.

ME: I'll roll. Ooh, I got a 12. Roll again mom.

MOM: I got a 12.

ME: Wow, I just got a 12 again too. Roll again mom.

MOM: I got a 12.

ME: Wow, this is so strange. I just got a 12 too. I've never seen something like this happen. (Serious tone)...Roll again mom.

MOM: ...I got an 11. You're turn.

ME: Oh my goodness! I got a 12! I guess that means I go first. Rolling...I got a 39.

MOM: (Pissed) Oh, my God. You landed on boardwalk...

ME: I'll take it.

DAD: Are you able to afford it right now?

MOM: Yes, it's the start of the game.

ME: Your turn mom.

DAD: Wait a second? How could you have rolled a 39?

ME: It was luck! Do you doubt me?

DAD: Lee, go.

MOM: Ooh, I rolled a 20. Free parking for me!!!

ME: It's only $500. Dad, your turn.

DAD: Ok. I rolled a 12.

ME: A 12?

DAD: Yeah. I get the electric company or whatever.

MOM: Roll one die.

DAD: 9.

ME: Oh, alright. My turn. Ooh!

DAD: What?

MOM: I bet she rolled a 38.

Current Mood: content
Current Music: Shpadoinkle - Trey Parker

RACH: Crack is whack...yo.

ME: Did Bobby Brown and the Mrs. tell you that?

RACH: Precisely. So I gave all of mine to them. And then they got all on the news and stuff. He hit her or something...*shrug*

ME: Rach, I think they manipulated you. Rach, did you ever stop to wonder why they would say "Crack is whack" and then make you give them your stash for free? I think you got conned.

RACH: No, they said they were gonna get rid of it and they were gonna burn i...oh...DAMNIT!!!

PETER: Do you have $30 lying around?

ME: Yeah...

PETER: Do me a favor? Go to circuit city and buy a web cam tomorrow?

ME: Why?

PETER: Because I have one and we can talk to each other with them and it'll be cool and--

ME: Shut the fuck up. You just want to see my boobs.

PETER: Iiiiii do.

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Sifl & Olly

PODIATRIST: So where are your feet hurting?

ME: Over here.

PODIATRIST: Alright...Stand up...(I stand up) Oooh, well you'll never have to go to Nam.

PODIATRIST: (To my mother) I recomend she get some orthotics before the problem gets worse and some shoes that support her, like Nike or Adidas. No more Vans.

MOM: I agree. How much will the orthotics cost?

PODIATRIST: Around $375.

MOM: Yeah...I think we'll just go with Nikes for a while.

PODIATRIST: Mrs. _________ I really suggest you get your daughter--

MOM: Adidas? Fine.

ME: I don't understand why you guys won't pay for something that has to do with my health.

DAD: We paid for that class that you're taking right now to learn that new form of improv.

ME: First off, no you didn't. Second, you're saying that because you spent money on me for something that means that you won't spend money on something that has to do with my health? That's like you saying, "Stephanie, we already paid for your haircut this year so you can't get that tumor removed from your brain.

(Talking about money issues with parents)
ME: If Brett came and asked for money you'd give it to him.

DAD: Is that what this is all about? You feel second to your brother?

MOM: You're not second.

DAD: You're third! You're sister's before you.

MOM: No...she's fourth. You're forgetting the dog.

ME: I hate you both. (Dramatically runs out of the room)

Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: Us and Them - Pink Floyd

(I'm half asleep)
MICHELLE: Mom, you know what I just realized?

MOM: What?

MICHELLE: My school mascot is the eagle.

MOM: Ok...

MICHELLE: And the school colors are red, black, and white.

MOM: So?

MICHELLE: So, isn't it odd how it's just like the nazi party?

MOM: That's a very weird coincidence.

MICHELLE: It's a little more than just a coincidence.

ME: (Their retarded conversation finally wakes me up) I'm sorry, are they killing Jews in hidden classrooms?

MICHELLE: No...

ME: Then it's not like the Nazi party is it?

MICHELLE: What?

ME: Now both of you shut up and let me go back sleep.

ME: Michelle, I think your butt has gotten smaller.

MICHELLE: Or my back fat has gotten bigger.

Current Mood: stressed
Current Music: The Widow - The Mars Volta

ME: What are you up to this Sunday?

RACH: So much homework im consdierng slitting my wrists now. I have three projects and reading and sat stuff and death. Lots and lots of death.

ME: Well, if you finish before Sunday call me. Deal?

RACH: Sure. I cant guarantee I won't be dead, but okay...

ME: Have your mother call if you die. I've never really gotten the chance to hang out with a corpse before.

RACH: ...My corpse doesn't want to hang out with you. My corpse is kinda scared of what you'll do to it.

ME: I won't do anything to it. I'll just play with you like a doll.

RACH: Ew

ME: We'll have a magic tea party.

RACH: Only I'll be dead.

ME: So are dolls.

RACH: Thats a twisted view of my childhood.

RACH: Dolls aren't real. Theres a difference.

ME: No...they're dead.

RACH: One can decompose and the other can't.

ME: Well, I can play with you for three days without you noticably decomposing.

RACH: But you can play with a doll forever and it won't decompose.

ME: Not me. I used to get bored of dolls. So it'll work out perfectly.

RACH: But not dead people?

ME: That's true...there's no difference.

RACH: Is too.

ME: Ok. There is. But not a huge one. (Pause) So give me a call on Sunday if you're free or dead. Later.

RACH: Name something that failed and it was better than if it had succeeded.

ME: Paris Hilton's singing debut.

RACH: I can't use that in an essay.

ME: Why not? Rephrase the question.

RACH: What the serendipitous thing was that we learned about it chem...

ME: All the people that tried to make the first airplane?

RACH: PENECILLIN! AHHH!!!

ME: Or that.

RACH: THAT WAS IT!!!

ME: I don't know how one gets that from airplane.

RACH: I do.

ME: How?

RACH: Airplanes made me think about mold, which made me think of penecillin.

ME: ...

JOSH: Thank you...for trying...I will speak to you tommorrow, and you still suck.

ME: I care about you, you know?

JOSH: No, I don't know.

ME: I want to be the one to hurt you and kill you. If you do it then what could I do to make your life horrible? I hope you feel better. Even though I hate you.

JOSH: Oi!

Current Mood: internal fight
Current Music: Quando Corpus Morietur - Ophelia's Dream

DAD: Gerbil-Hamster.

ME: What?

DAD: (Pointing to an around 16 year old girl) Gerbil-Hamster. Gerbil face hamster body.

ME: Oh.

DAD: Aren't I right?

ME: Yeah.

DAD: I'm not trying to be mean.

ME: Oh, of course not. Hamsters and Gerbils are beautiful animals.

DAD: Right.

(A girl and I are the last ones in the class finishing our final)
PSYCH PROF: Are either of you doing your final on the insanity plea?

ME: No.

PSYCH PROF: Good.

ME: Why do you ask?

PSYCH PROF: Because I just finished grading the papers thus far and everyone who did insanity plea failed.

GIRL: Umm, I'm doing it on the insanity plea...

PSYCH PROF: Oh...nevermind then...carry on...(She sneaks off fast).

GIRL: Wait! Come back!

PSYCH PROF: I have to go to lunch. Bye.

Current Mood: I'm good
Current Music: House of 1000 Corpses - Rob Zombie

(In reply to a problem I’ve been having)
DERRICK: (Said without emotion) Wow...that just sucks...I’m really feeling for you...I wish there was something I could have done to help...I really care so much...

ME: I know you do. You just have a problem making inflections with in your voice.

Derrick: Yes...I should get that fixed...because it sounds like I totally don’t care when in fact I totally do...

PAT: Hey, I found a penny.

ME: I'm Jewish. I want the penny. You should give it to me.

PAT: Ok. Here yah go.

ME: Yay, I have a penny. Jealous, Erica?

ERICA: No. I only look Jewish.

Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: Bye Bye Love

MCVEY: Hold on a second. I have to pee. I've had to pee a lot these days.

ME: Holy shit, are you pregnant?

MCVEY: Hello?! (Pulls her sweater tight and shows off her stomach) I'm six months pregnant. How could you not notice?

ME: Well, I thought you were getting heavy and I didn't want to say anything.

PAULINA: I don't masturbate with my right hand. I do it with my left.

ME: So you can pretend it's a stranger?

LIA: Well, you have to give the mentally handicap a shot.

SHELLIE: Bradley's really mad at what's going on. He's crossed a lot of people off his graduation party list that he made at the start of the year.

ME: See, I would never do that. If I were a senior I would start making friends with everybody so I could get a lot of money at my graduation party.

CATHLEEN: That's disgusting. I'm never going to be your friend.

ME: It's too late Cathleen. You already are. Don't run away from it...Accept it...That's ten dollars you owe me, Cathleen.

Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: All I Really Want

Not great ones. I'll have better ones later.
(After the parking spot Paulina was going to take was stolen from her)
PAULINA: (Muttering as we're looking for spots near the building) I'd break my leg for a handicapped spot.

ME: ...

PAULINA: Shut up, Stephanie.

(During poker night after Matt became out of the game because of me)
MATT: Damn it. Alright. (To Shellie) Let's go. (To the rest of us) Bye guys.

ME: Matt, thank you for your money. Night.

MATT: (Whispers to Josh so I could hear and he says with a stewie squint) Kick her ass.

Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: SNL Theme

PETER: So what's new with you?

ME: (Excited) Oh, I might have cancer!

PETER: (Excited) Really? (A little more serious) What kind?

ME: Colon Cancer.

PETER: Oh thank G-d! I thought you were going to say Breast cancer. I would I have been like “NO!!! Not your gorgeous tits!!!”

ME: Oh, of course.

PETER: Colon cancer is fine. I mean, I was never gonna try to put it in your ass.

(Watching the Oscars)
BRETT: Ooh, Tim Robinson is coming out. We must be up to the supporting actress award.

MOM: Why is he up there? Oh, didn’t he win an Oscar last year?

BRETT: Yes.

ME: (Quickly) No.

BRETT: No.

ME: He’s nominated for one tonight for Mystic River.

MOM: Really?

BRETT: Yes.

MOM: Really?

BRETT: Yes.

MOM: (Two minutes later) No he’s not.

ME: What are you talking about?

MOM: Tim Robinson’s not nominated for an Oscar this year.

ME: See, Brett, this is why I can’t marry you.

BRETT: Why?

ME: Because I could never stand to have your mother as my mother-in-law.

BRETT: But Steph, she’s your mother too.

ME: NO!!!!!!!!

Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: Dazed & Confused - Led Zepplin(For Peter's return in the LJ)

ME: Cheer me up.

DERRICK: (Our little inside joke that neither of us actually get) You know what I love about buttered popcorn?

ME: The butter. You're disgusting...

DERRICK: Totally. You know what I love about cheeseburgers?

ME: The unkosherness?

DERRICK: Yeah, sure, why not? So IN YOUR FACE, JEW-BAG! Heheh, I called you jew-bag

ME: At least I'm not Unitarian. Ooh BURN!!!

DERRICK: Oh yeah? Well, umm...You're a fag. "That's what your mom said." My mom said you're a fag? "well, um...uh"

ME: Have you taken the fight away from us and turned it into a fight with yourself?

DERRICK: Totally.

ME: That's right...you have no real comeback. That's because you retired your Jewishness and became Unitarian. So all your funniness went out the window.

(After I make a couple jokes about him)
DERRICK: Ok, see, now I'm gonna go cry.

ME: ::Insert shit eating grin smileyface:: I mean...::Insert half frown smileyface:: No...

DERRICK: This how you cheer yourself up? By degrading others so they're worse off than you? Jerk. Now I'm glad I never stuck my dick in you.

ME: ::Gasp::

DERRICK: Am I the only one here who wants to macarena until the break of dawn?

ME: Yes

DERRICK: Just checking.

ME: Actually if you...Nice subtle subject change.

DERRICK: Yeah, I'm proud of it myself

DERRICK: So I spent ALL weekend making these two books for my graphic design class.

ME: Ooh, any good?

DERRICK: I got totally high on the glue fumes and cut myself a few times, got a wicked little scar up my left arm. I find it terribly amusing that I almost accidentally slit my wrist yesterday making a cover for the book, and all throughout high school when I was depressed I could never manage more than a superficial cut...but yeah, everyone worked like crazy all weekend to get them done.

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road - Elton John

(Michelle and I at 6 in the morning, so tired we acted high)
MICHELLE: You know what's a weird name?

ME: Miranda...

MICHELLE: Yeah...

MOM: Michelle? Your father just wants to dispose the box.

MICHELLE: What does that mean?

ME: It means he wants to throw Macbeth's corpse away in the garbage.

MOM: Thank you Stephanie...

MICHELLE: Why does he want to throw her in the garbage?

MOM: Because the ground is too hard to bury her...Michelle, if we throw her away she'll get cremated. (I just burst out laughing)

(Michelle's idea of comfort)
MICHELLE: What's that noise? Are you faking? You cry so weird. Did some one die?...No...you wouldn't be crying if some one died...Did you get raped?...No...you wouldn't cry if you got raped...Why are you crying? You don't cry. I cry. You're freaking me out.

JOSH: What can I do to make it up to you?

ME: (After a while of thinking) Open your mind. Open your mind. Is your mind open?

JOSH: Yeah...

ME: Hang gliding.

JOSH: Get the fuck out of my car.

ME: Alright, alright...put your mind more open than it just was...You know how you've always wanted to be close to G-D?

JOSH: Stephanie, I'm not going sky diving.

ME: Damn you! How did you know I wasn't going to say die? I could have said that.

Current Mood: blank
Current Music: Shit List - L7

(My mom limps in and I start hysterically laughing)
MOM: You're a socialpath. I can't believe you would laugh at this.

ME: Mom, I'm not a socialpath. You walked in like this (I do an impression). How am I not supposed to laugh?

BRETT: What's she laughing at?

MOM: Her mother...in pain...

ME: Oh stop.

DAD: Your mom and I are going to Mohegan Sun tomorrow.

MICHELLE: Ok.

DAD: Don't call us tomorrow.

MICHELLE: Ok...

DAD: I've been waiting ten years for this.

MICHELLE: Uh...huh...

MICHELLE: Did you hear about Macbeth? (Our pet degu)

ME: Yeah, it died.

MICHELLE: Yeah...

ME: Did you bury it?

MICHELLE: No. Not yet.

ME: Where is it?

MICHELLE: Outside.

ME: What?

MICHELLE: The ground is too hard right now so we can't bury Macbeth. We put her in a box for now.

ME: You know we COULD take a peek and see what Macbeth looks like decomposing.

MICHELLE: The box is taped, and I'd rather not.

ME: It was just a thought. (Silence. Then I say without trying to laugh but failing) Maybe I shouldn't have named it Macbeth.

MICHELLE: Stephanie!!!

ME: I'm sorry. You know how I was with Flippy. I can't help it. How did you know Macbeth was dead.

MICHELLE: This morning Cinnamon (The other degu) was all curled up with Macbeth, snuggling with Macbeth. I moved Cinnamon and Macbeth's eyes were all rolled back. (I start to chuckle and then burst out laughing) Steph!!!

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Painted Black - Rolling Stones

This was said around the first day of the second semester.
LEAH: Who else is in the class?

PROF.: Well I don't usually do this, but I'll tell you(He goes through the list).

LEAH: (To me) Wow. We're, like, the only girls in the class. The rest are all boys.

ME: That doesn't mean anything. This is an acting class.

VENESSA: I'm taking another one of our favorite Prof.'s psych. classes this semester.

ME: Oh, will it be the class she taught last semester?

VENESSA: Well, this class is on the psychological experience of African Americans.

ME: So...yes?

(Took place today)
ME: I'm not the bad guy.

MATT: You're BOTH bad guys!

ME: Who's worse

MATT: Neither. You're both conniving and backstabbing. WHY am I attracted to you?! gah!

ME: Because I'm satan.

MATT: Nah, I think it's the tits.

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Thoughtless - Korn

(Watching a movie with people from Hillel)
STEPHANIE: Not even a French kiss. You think there would be at least a French kiss.

GIRL: (Until I can remember her name) Is there such thing as a Jewish kiss?

ME: Yeah, it's called head.

SHELLIE: I know of guys that like to get peed on by girls.

ME: Yeah, it's called a golden shower.

DAVE: Please I would never get peed on.

ME: Would you ever pee on a girl?

DAVE: Fuck no!

ANDY: (Randomly) I've peed on a girl!

DAVE: You peed on a girl once?

ANDY: No. I peed on her five times.

ME: What did you do? Pee on her, then drink a vast amount of fluid , jump around, pee on her, and do it all over again until it amounted to five times?

ANDY'S GIRLFRIEND: You peed on a girl? Where? In her mouth? On her leg?

ANDY: No, on her tits.

ME: Hey Andy?

ANDY: Yeah?

ME: She finger herself while you did it?

EVERYONE AT THE SAME TIME: Eww!!!!

PROF.: Today we're going to just read our essays out loud.

TOM: Yay!!!

PROF.: I was lying. I'm just going to hand them back to you guys. And Tom, I read yours. I wouldn't be so excited about reading yours out loud if I were you.

Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: In a Gadda Da Vida - Iron Butterfly

(Rach's reaction after informing her about Cosby)
RACH: No Mr. Cosby! I don't want any of your pudding! NOOOO!!

ME: The inside of your pussy feels like warm vanilla pudding.

RACH: Don't fill it with tapioca Mr. Cosby!

ME: Let's see if we can make this a vanilla chocolate swirl. Mmm...your boobies are like green jello.

RACH: your stomach is like brown jello.

ME: Shut up woman, and suck my chocolate pudding pop until the tapioca comes out.

RACH: But Mr. Cosby im only 13!!!

ME: No you lose now. He didn't have sex with them young. That's it! We can't do it now! You ruined it!

ME: Let's raise money so we can get a professional nude photo of me and send it somewhere. (Josh laughs) Why not? We'll sell candy bars.

JOSH: Yep, chocolate and pussy.

ME: They go together. I mean they both have women in common. So why not? That is, unless you are a freak girl named Heather.

JOSH: Still can't get over that, Steph?

ME: It's chocolate! Who doesn't like chocolate!?!

Current Mood: jubilant
Current Music: Pepper - Butthole Surfers

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